So, I received my first hate mail on Friday night. Here it is:
You people are going to ruin your little daughter and make her burn in hell like the two of you. You think you are clever and so does the devil. Only God has the answer for you. God or G. Bush.
I thought about replying, but I just couldn't come up with an adequate response. So here is your chance, Piggy readers. Please, please, please leave a comment and reply to this guy for me. Oh, and take into account that he'll probably read your comments, so feel free to address them directly to him.
We should probably give him a name. Let's call him ... oh ... let's say ... Jeffy. That's a cute name.
And what the hell, let's make it a contest. The person with the best response to Jeffy will win "What Every Person Should Know About War" by Chris Hedges. I'll announce the winner in about a week or so. That way everyone has a chance to give a reasoned response.
One quick note so there's no confusion, the photoshopped image above was done by me and obviously not by Jeffy. Frankly, given Jeffy's belief in "G. Bush" as a deity, I'm surprised he had the technological know-how to send an email in the first place.
All right. Let the replying begin! And thank you all in advance for doing the dirty work for me.
34 comments:
Wait, does it have to be a reasoned response? Because if someone thinks G. Bush is in the business of saving anybody, I don't think there's a whole lot of reason going into the original thought. G. Bush is like God? I had no idea!
Jeffy is a beautiful name, though.
Sorry you're probably burning in hell. That's rough. Why must you have so much compassion for animals?!! WHY? Now you're burning in hell for it. I hope you're happy!
Yeah, you're right. Further commenters should feel free to throw reason to the wind. Speak from the heart, people.
Burn in hell HA. Come on up and spend some time in the BWCA some January, after a week you will be to frozen to ever burn, and hell will sound like a good place to warm up. Oh and Jeffy BITE ME.
Um, Jeffy, that's "vegan parenting", not "pagan parenting". I think you were confused there. And BTW it was George Bush Sr. who didn't like broccoli.
To mass fires, yes! One hundred stories high
People gettin' loose y’all gettin' down on the roof - Do you hear?
(the folks are flaming) Folks were screamin' - out of control
It was so entertainin' - when the boogie started to explode
I heard somebody say
Burn baby burn! - Disco inferno!
Burn baby burn! - Burn that mama down
Burn baby burn! - Disco inferno!
Burn baby burn! - Burn that mama down
Burnin'!
Satisfaction (uhu hu hu) came in the chain reaction
(burnin') I couldn't get enough, (till I had to self-destroy) so I had to
self destruct, (uhu hu hu)
The heat was on (burnin’), rising to the top, huh!
Everybody's goin' strong (uhu hu hu)
And that is when my spark got hot
I heard somebody say
Burn baby burn! - Disco inferno!
Burn baby burn! - Burn that mama down, yoh!
Burn baby burn! - Disco inferno!
Burn baby burn! - Burn that mama down
Burnin'!
Up above my head I hear music in the air - I hear music!
That makes me know there's (somebody) a party somewhere
Satisfaction came in a chain reaction - Do you hear?
I couldn't get enough, so I had to self destruct,
The heat was on, rising to the top
Everybody's goin' strong
That is when my spark got hot
I heard somebody say
Burn baby burn! - Disco inferno! (Aah yeah!)
Burn baby burn! - Burn that mama down
Burn baby burn! - Disco inferno, yeah!
Burn baby burn! - Burn that mama down
Burn baby burn! - Disco inferno! (Aah yeah!)
Burn baby burn! - Burn that mama down
Burn baby burn! - Disco inferno, yeah!
Burn baby burn! - Burn that mama down
Burnin’!
I just can't stop
When(till) my spark gets hot
Just can't stop
When my spark gets hot
Burning, burning, burning, burning...
Hell is cool
hey, don't be too hard on jeffy; he's clearly just reading his bible and believing what's in there. after all, didn't jesus himself say "suffer the meat-eaters to come unto me"?
oh, wait, he didn't. well, the old testament then. doesn't leviticus say "those who do not eat of the shellfish, they are an abomination"? no? hm, that's odd. well, maybe...
...okay, i give up; jeffy's too far gone for this atheist (and omnivore) to satirize any worse than he's already done unto himself. i may not agree with you guys' philosophy and dining choices, but condemning you to eternal torment for 'em, that's just wack.
besides, it's not as if you haven't already condemned yourselves to a lifetime of (shudder) tofu. how much worse could hell be? ;-)
Dear Jeffy,
Thank you for your concern for the future and eternal welfare of our daughter, but it is misplaced as the Bible itself supports vegetarianism:
"Wherefore, if meat make my brother to offend, I will eat no flesh while the world standeth, lest I make my brother to offend."--1 Corinthians 8:13 (KJV)
"It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak."--Romans 14:21 (KJV)
Further, should you choose to eat meat, the Bible commands you not to judge those who do not:
"Let not him that eateth despise him that eateth not; and let not him which eateth not judge him that eateth: for God hath received him."--Romans 14:3 (KJV)
Thank you and God Bless.
[Not that I think this will be effective, but quoting the Bible to the less-literate of its adherents tend to make their little brains pop. If anything, you're likely to receive nothing but hate-filled vituperation in response, for you will know they are Christians by their love.]
What a lovely blog, and thanks for being vegets.
Expect nothing but abuse for your gentle ways.
Jeffy:
Allegedly your ghod new him before he was born and by partaking in such condemnations of these 'Truths' you have taken the step in meddling with your ghod's divine plans ... please cease and desist with the judgements that, according to your beliefs, are not yours to make. 3 hail mary's and 4 hail fathers to you for your transgression.....or burn in hell for all eternity. Now go along Jeffy and do what your told!
I so wish the misguided would stop giving Christ's teachings, and those of us who are trying to follow them, such a black eye.
Jeffy, seriously... God or G. W. Bush? eek.
Well, I'm sorry to tell you Al, that god obviously is a meat-lover. Don't you ever read your BIBLE? It's right there in Genesis and all through the OT, GOD WANTS MEAT!!!
LOL
Deary Jeffy,
Is there room under your bridge?
Judge not, lest... Oh, how does that go again, Jeffy? And by the way, G. Bush had answers for Iraq. Look how great that turned out.
Seems like "Jeffy" hasn't read Daniel 1:8-16
Dear Jeffy,
So I took your advice and called Mr. Bush. He said he didn't know. He'd phoned God earlier on his special hotline, but He, apparently, couldn't be bothered. Go figure.
Btw, I just wanted to say I was just linked this blog and it is quite rockin'. I will be checking in more.
Jeffy:
Quit freakin' putting words in my mouth, for Me's sake!
Did you forget that, before the Fall, everybody was a plant eater (aka vegetarian)?
Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to ALL the beasts of the earth and ALL the birds of the air and ALL the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food." And it was so. (Genesis 1:29-30)
It was so -- and, It Was Good. Remember?
It was only after the Fall, that Sin corrupted all creatures that creepeth, giving them a taste for flesh. But, don't take my word on this; check with Ken Ham (Answers in Genesis). He's got my back on this.
Jeffy -
Ok then... Which G-d are you talking about? Yahweh, deity of the Jews (or are you, like so many other Southern Baptists specifically pledged to convert as many Jews as you can?), the Holy Trinity (or any part thereof) of the Catholics, Satan, (aka the devil, Shaitan, Lucifer, etc...), Shiva, the Earth Mother, or the Great Spirit, or... I'm sure you get my drift.
Oh, and by equating as you do "G. Bush" with G-d, (my friend Gary Bush was thrilled to be likened to the Supreme Being, supporting as it were, his self image...) one would assume that you do not belong to any of the many Judeo-Christian sects out there, as I believe one of the commandments is "Thou shalt have no other gods before me", but technically, I guess the fact that "G. Bush" is mentioned second satisfies that pesky requirement...
Let's get real: there is a little known document called the Constitution of the United States of America, penned in large part by one of the ultimate (for the time) subversives the Honorable James Madison, which states "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..." I believe it's part of the First Amendment. If I or the little piggy eating tofu or anyone else chooses to worship their dead aunt Tillie (and ancestor worship is a large part of a religion practiced by millions or modern day persons of the Oriental persuasion), neither you, nor the police, nor the courts nor your god-like "G. Bush" can stop me. And for the record, just because I reject Jesus as god (or part thereof), does not indicate in any way that I'm a G-d-less person. Go and rant about something else.
Doesn't Jeffy know that even the dinosaurs were vegetarian before The Fall? Then when Adam and Eve ate the apple - right after the talking serpent part - well, God cursed mankind and we all turned into ravenous meateaters. Before that, there was no war, no killin, no poisonous snakes (only talking ones), no weeds, no AIDs, no Starbucks, and no Democrats either. After The Fall, God had to do a "divine redesign" or an Extreme Makeover: Planet Earth Edition, if you will, to punish Adam and Eve for eating that scurrilous and seductive fruit. War, murder, stinging nettles, Hell, eternal suffering, and a Hillary Clinton candidacy were the only appropriate response Yahweh could give to such wanton fruit devourment.
Jeffy just needs to read his Bible.
(And fundies need to all get on the same page with their wacky beliefs.)
Well, George W. would probably tell people to lay off the pretzels... and George Sr.'s sushi didn't agree with him, so not much pro-meat material there...
Um, does taking communion count as eating meat? Just asking.
It really sounds like Jesus was more into wine.
Dear Jeffy,
I think Al and the other people that have taken up his challenge of providing you with a "reasoned response" are giving your intelligence level too much credit. I imagine you are having a hard time understanding and processing the many detailed (and hilarious) replies to your hate filled message. Let me break it down for you.
Your ignorant (stupid) message to Al was just that- STUPID. It is also very disturbing that you are so filled with hate for a lifestyle unlike your own that you would actually attack a man's CHILD. That is sacred ground you are trespassing on (realizing that the use of the word sacred is this author's, not Al's).
Anna is a sweet, beautiful, healthy little girl that has two parents that love her more than anything in the world. Her parents do not have an evil or mean bone in their bodies (except for occasional road rage which they've toned down to shaking their fists and saying "I wish you were a better driver" for the sake of their much loved child's impressionable mind).
You might want to look more closely at the contents of this blog and take a lesson in caring, dedicated parenting from Al and his wife.
So Jeffy, my advice is, if you have a child, go now, give him or her a kiss and hug, and promise them that you won't pass on your hate. No one should have to live with that big of a burden. No child should have to be witness such hate in their parent. No child should have to live in fear.
Awesome, Jeffy!
Masterful satire! You even had me thinking for a minute that you were serious! You should work for Mad magazine!
Wow! Thanks everyone for your comments. They make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Keep 'em coming! The contest is far from over.
Oh, but no more song lyrics. Sheesh! I had Disco Inferno running through my head all day yesterday.
Hey Jeffy, your child support check is late.
Jeffy: "I don't pay child support, what are you talking about?!"
That's right, you don't. So STFU about how I raise my daughter.
As Moab is my washpot, thou hadst better get with the program ,and contribute many talents of silver to my effort to genetically engineer soybeans that yield tofu like unto the color of a red heifer that is without blemish whereof to make a burnt sacrifice, unto the Lord, anointing it beforehand with the sauce that is chili, that He may find it pleasing as the Mac which is Big.
RUSSEL WINS! Hand downs.
Dear Jeffy,
With cretins like you crawling on this planet, I'm already burning in hell. If you want to save me and my family, do us all a favour, and put yourself out of our misery. The sooner, the better.
Kthx.
Well as my song was runnig through your head, I'll be expecting the book anyday now!!
Hope you don't mind posting to England
Can I also suggest that people here are taking it too seriously.
He's oviously a bit blinkered in his views so have some fun with him, don't try and reason with him.
I think doG has more important things to worry about than diet.
With the human rights record and sex abuse involved in the "great" organised religions of the world, he's the one who should be worried about his roast chestnuts
I don't think you should ask God how to raise kids. He put his on a cross, for Christ's sake.
I'm a vegan-atheist and can tell you a lot of us are getting this exact message. This person (maybe he's in a group-scary) has a computer, an internet connection and instead of using the web to educate himself, he's sending us nasty hate mail.
My friend engaged and wrote him back and the freakazoid commanded him in the name of jesus and george w to take down his video on youtube. He further told my friend the US was in Iraq to spread the message of jesus and george w!
Well heck. There are lot of good replies here. It was a hard couple minutes of deliberation, but I've picked a winner.
Top honors go to Brownian for his use of biblical quotation. Well played, Brownian.
Send me an email via my profile page with your address and your book will be in the mail.
And thank you all for your responses!
Brownian?
Come on!
I think all the responders should divide amongst themselves to elect delegates which will represent them with a vote at a later date. Maybe you, Al, think you're a super delegate. And that's why you're what's wrong with America.
Commie.
Vegan.
Atheist.
Comganeist.
Love, Evan
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