Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Freakin' Sweet!

A voicemail of mine was played on the most recent Vegan Freaks podcast. I'm totally flattered (and freakin' famous!). If you want to listen to it, go here (unless you don't like profanity). And I'm not going to tell you when the voicemail is so you have to listen to the whole thing (which you should do anyway, because it's entertaining and informative and, hell, why not subscribe to it while you're at it?).

Anyway, I shamelessly left the address to this blog on the voicemail and, oops, it's November and I'm not really updating this month because I'm participating in National Novel Writing Month (and before you say, "So?", you try writing 50,000 words in thirty days ... that's what I thought ... now go back to doing whatever it was you were doing before you said, "So?").

All right, so because I feel like a lazy ass for not posting any original content on here in a couple weeks, here is an excerpt from the novel I'm writing. It's not actually part of the story yet, but it will be soon. I think the scene will be the main character and his wife and child will be driving out of the city and he will play a game I call Billboard Depression where he looks at the passing billboards and comes up with ways they are not vegan. And it will go ... a little something ... like this (oh, and there's some profanity in this as well because my main character swears a lot):

Burger King – meat, milk, eggs, one-stop-death-shop. Avenue Q musical – there’s probably meat back-stage at the production. Quest broadband ad with baseball guy Joe Maur – wearing a leather glove. Cabela’s – dead animals and things to kill animals with. Cub Grocery Stores – meat, dairy, eggs. AmericInn – probably have leather furniture. We Sell Hotels – the hotels likely have leather furniture in them. Grand Casino – oh, the buffet’s at casinos are chock-full of artery clogging crap. Crystal-pierz marine – leather seats. Sportsman’s warehouse – bows, bullets, guns, deer piss, camo, all of these things allow pencil-dicks to do what they claim is natural. Pulte Homes Realty – The homes that Pulte sell likely have glue in them. Discount Tire – animal products are used in the manufacture of tires. Quitplan.com – my guess is the pills that quitplan gives people to stop smoking was researched on some other non-human animal. Coors Light – actually vegan, but Coors brews a few honey beers. Chris Vivea realtor – again, selling houses built with glue. Don’t Serve Alcohol to Teens – but think of the other crap parents give their kids. Key Cadillac – yeah, I’d like to key your Cadillac. Especially if you have leather seats. Health Partners – most modern medicine was tested on animals, some even have animal products in them, like egg in the flu shot. Farm Bureau For Life – want to learn how to build a more effective killing machine? Fairview Health Systems – I’ve been to a Fairview hospital. They had a fucking McDonalds in it. Blue steakhouse – me man, me eat meat, ugh. US bank – what companies does the bank invest in? Some of those companies thrive on the exploitation of animals. Minnesota Children’s Museum – my daughter loves this place. So far, I’ve been able to keep her away from the caged turtles. Becker furniture – selling uncomfortable sticky cow-skin furniture since 1958. Kenneth Cole – dead cow on your feet. Ultra Diamonds – you can’t just be vegan and ignore all the other injustices in this world. Diamonds are blood-ridden. Affordable Lakeshore Living – Let’s devastate every last square inch of shoreline in the Land of 2000 Lakes. Let’s make it the land of 2,000,000 lake homes. The Jungle Book on DVD – Wherein we are told that tigers have a natural hatred of man. So … animals are capable of hatred toward humans, but not of love toward each other? KFAN radio station – there is a KFAN restaurant in Roseville, MN wherein much meat is served. AT&T – there is a theory out there that posits that the recent large-scale die off of bees in North America is due to high cell phone usage. I don’t think this is a crack-pot conspiracy theory, but I could be wrong. Albertville Outlets – outlet stores including Nike, Old Navy and many other stores with questionable assembly worker standards and plenty of animal skin clothing. SA jumbo hot dogs – for when regular-sized pig asshole and cow eye just won’t be enough to fill up your graveyard stomach. T-Mobile – they sell dead cow covers for cell phones. Culvers – you won’t find a better crap-hole to stuff your face-orifice with the rotting, ground up flesh of cows and pigs and the twin cholesterol bombs of egg and dairy. Uptown eye care – chances are that they give away saline solution that was tested on animals. Abortion Stops a Beating Heart – right, and we don’t want to stop hearts from beating, do we? Petro2 – Buy our gas, pollute the environment, detroy nature. Ryan Auto – leather seats. Carhartt – leather boots. Becker home center – leather furniture. Perkins – we have pigs in a blanket, except the pigs are dead and the blanket is made with eggs and milk, taken from chickens and cows that lead lives of suffering and then are killed when they’re not longer “productive”. Moon Motorsports – sit on a leather seat while you tear through nature. Mcdonalds. Lund Boats – sit on our leather seats while you disturb the water and trick fish into biting a hook. Call it a sport, then you won’t look psychopathic. Gull Lake RV – leather seats. Saddle Tack – sit on a dead cow while you ride a horse that you have no business riding. Callan’s Furniture – glue, leather. Arrowwood Resort and Conference Center – we serve dead animals. Monticello RV Center – Fully air conditioned so your sweaty legs won’t stick to that dead cow flesh you’re sitting on. Fly STC Airport – and just try to get a vegan meal on one of our flights. Radisson – nothing says good morning like salty fried fatty pig flesh. Days Inn – nothing says good morning like the menstrual waste of a chicken. Eich Mazda – leather seats. Lundrigan’s Clothing – leather. MacDonald’s – you can trace America’s obesity problem back to our first resturaunt. AmericInn – the missing “a ” is for animal parts for breakfast! Holiday Gas Station – come on in and buy the day-old rat meat we pass off for hot dogs. Pilot Travel Center – do vegan truckers exist, and if so, where do they eat? Kelly Inn – leather furniture. Keith’s Kettle – judging from the size of the man on the billboard… Scheels – leather shoes made by children for peanuts. Clearwater Travel Plaza – there’s a Jesus fish on the billboard, but there isn’t much compassion on their restaurant menu. Gatr Trucks “Gatr done!” – leather seats. Travelodge – food. Busweiser – the beer is actually vegan, but they still own those Clydesdales. Probably bought them from a breeder. Miles Outland – selling recreational vehicles with leather seats. Shorewood RV – leather seats. Strack Commercial Construction – they use glue made from hoofs. Motel 6 – do they have continental breakfasts? If not, they probably have cream for the coffee that they probably have in their lobby. Crafts Direct – paintbrushes made from horse hair. Hennen’s Furniture – leather. Country Inn and Suites – meat for breakfast. Jim’s Snowmobile and Marine – ride on skin seats while you disturb habitat. Holiday Gas Stations – eat shit for breakfast! Literally! Dairy Queen – sure, she looks good straight out of high school, but all that cholesterol will catch up with her soon enough. Charlie’s CafĂ© – we actually ate there shortly after going vegan … big mistake. Dairy Queen – now serving meat, too! Boomerang Marine Sports – leather. Shell Gas Station with Subway and A&W inside – meat, meat and more meat. Real Dairy Country – ugh, this land is my land. Centra Sports – leather seats for your big ass. Country Inn and suites – meat, leather. Albany Family Restaurant – thank you Lord for making a sentient being live a live of suffering so that we can satisfy our taste buds, Amen. Farmfest – dammit. Albany Racing – yeehaa, don’t spill any pig juice on your cow skin! Stop Aquatic Hitchhikers! – And while you’re at it, stop preying on aquatic creatures. Douglas Furniture – leather, glue. Dakota Magic Casino – buffet of death. Applewood Homes – glue. Glenwood State Bank – investing in companies that benefit from animal exploitation. Lutefisk – fucking gross. Burger King – remember, chicken wings are actually chicken’s wings. L Motel and RV Park – leather. Smiley Gasmart Delimax – did I read that right? What. Smiley Gasmart Delimax? It sounds like a nightmare rest-stop from the post-apocalyptic future. WeDoCows.com – we’ll help keep your cows alive as long as they are profitable for you. Lea’s Pet Products – serving animals we call “pets” the meat from animals we call “food”. Rudy’s Redeye Grill – blech. Westside liquor – serving non-vegan alcohol, made with gelatin and fish bladders. The Buck Stops Here – ad for bullets, what a clever ad, so witty. People don’t kill bucks, bullets kill bucks. Truckers Inn – featuring a menu from the bottom ring of hell, whatever ring that would be … the one where omnis are being kept in gestation crates. Chevy store Sauk Centre – leather. Coborns Food Evansville – meat. Central Marine and Sport – selling things to fish with. Carpet One – glue. Master Lumber – there’s probably glue involved in some of what they sell. Piano World – glue, and they don’t use ivory anymore, do they? Leather Plus – fuck you. Stubs Marine – fuck you too, Stub. Fat Daddy’s Bar and Grill – fuck you five time sideways, Fat Daddy. Triple P Auto – leather. Papa Murphys – pizzas of death! Dakota Magic Casino – buffet of death strikes again! Blairview Saddle Shop – what would people say if someone started selling saddles made from horses? And why? Doolittles American Grill – this land is your land. Scandinaivan Gift Shop – wool, probably some leather. Big Chief – so, so wrong. Prairie St Johns – they provide drug treatment and probably a lot of egg-filled doughnuts. Remember Our Defenders – almost all of whom ate meat, cheese and egg while defending my freedom to not eat those things and persuade every single person I know from joining the armed forces. Select Inn – food. Master Builders – glue. Space Aliens, “Fill Your Inner-Space” – with shit.

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Ha! Congratulations if you made it through all that. Hmmm, I wonder if this will increase my google hits. Just think of all the people who will search for "Fat Daddy's Bar and Grill" - "vegan" and end up here?

2 comments:

Neta & Almog said...

Hey, I found your blog after listening to your voice mail. Your daughter is adorable! :)

Al said...

Thanks!